PIERS MORGAN: Meghan behaved like such a gormless desperate reality TV star on her vomit-making Ellen cheese-fest that even a Kardashian would have deemed this humiliating fiasco too brand-damaging
Until last night, the most nauseous I’ve felt in my life was after eating a vegan sausage roll live on air, a reckless decision that prompted me to instantly hurl into a large bucket.
But that sickening ordeal paled into vomit-inducing insignificance compared to the comically cringe-worthy collision between the world’s two most narcissistic, fake and irritating female celebrities, Meghan Markle and Ellen DeGeneres.
Watching them giggle and preen away during their lengthy cheese-fest, stroking each other’s egos and dishing out cash to charity, you’d think they are the kindest, sweetest human beings to ever bestride the globe.
But it’s worth reminding ourselves that they both stand accused of being nasty little bullies who, when the cameras aren’t around, terrorize their staff.
Unsurprisingly, bullying in the workplace didn’t come up as a topic of discussion last night.
Nor did Princess Pinocchio’s trashing of the Royal Family and Monarchy, the institutions she professes to detest but milks like a greedy dairy farmer.
The worst thing came when Ellen made Meghan literally dance for her book-plugging supper by taking part in one of the most embarrassing stunts I’ve ever seen a royal do on television.
Just when I thought things couldn’t possibly get any more toe-curling, she shouted: ‘Mommy needs some milk!’ before pulling out a baby bottle from her purse and guzzling down the milk.
Or her treatment of her own family, almost all of whom she’s disowned for threatening her relentless climb up the social and financial ladder.
Instead, viewers were treated to a repulsive exchange of faux-humble shmaltz designed to flog copies of Ms. Markle’s critically derided, poor-selling children’s book The Bench.
To help do so, she released new photographs of her son Archie feeding chickens at her $11 million mansion in Santa Barbara and talked about her daughter Lilibet’s teething problems.
All of which may come as a surprise to those who’d been conned into thinking Meghan quit Britain, dragging her husband with her, because she craved privacy for her family from the beastly British press.
It turned out she didn’t want privacy at all, she just wanted to get away from anyone that might take a negative view of her constant whining and rank hypocrisy.
And of course, she wanted to get away from having to perform the often arduous and unexciting royal duties that go with having a title like the Duchess of Sussex.
The ‘Duchess of Sussex’, as she so proudly calls herself at every opportunity, pulled a prank on a trio of street vendors, carrying out a series of orders from Ellen via a secret microphone in her ear.
Now Meghan has the best of all worlds: she gets to exploit her fancy royal name to make hundreds of millions of dollars, doesn’t have to do any work for the institution that bestowed it upon her, is free (in her head) to publicly abuse the royals as a bunch of heartless racists, and can live the life of a fabulously rich celebrity who pops up on TV chat show sofas to promote her brand.
But at what cost does all this come for the Royal Family that she renounced at the same venomous speed she renounced her own father when he didn’t toe the line?
The worst thing about her Ellen appearance wasn’t even the fact she was going on the show at all given her friend and neighbor’s show has been cancelled in the wake of the awful bullying allegations against the host and some of her executives.
That was bad, but then Ellen’s no more a real ‘friend’ of Meghan’s than Oprah Winfrey. She’s just another famous person with the tools, currently, to inflate the Sussex celebrity brand.
No, the worst thing came when Ellen made Meghan literally dance for her book-plugging supper by taking part in one of the most embarrassing stunts I’ve ever seen a royal do on television.
The ‘Duchess of Sussex’, as she so proudly calls herself at every opportunity, pulled a prank on a trio of street vendors, carrying out a series of orders from Ellen via a secret microphone in her ear.
Meghan touched her elbow, and her nose, performed a squat, held a large crystal to her head as she moaned and groaned, and bounced up and down with excitement at seeing a hot sauce for sale as she exclaimed: ‘Let mommy have a taste! My boo loves hot sauce!’
She then chomped a sauce-coated chip ‘like a chipmunk’ because Ellen instructed her to, before telling the salesman: ‘That’s not spicy! Let me try something real hot, mommy wants some heat! Let’s get the spiciest, let’s get the hottest!’
Ordered by smirking Ellen to shove another chip whole into her mouth, Meghan did so, and began furiously fanning her face while exclaiming: ‘Lordy, lordy, lordy!’
Then she burst into singing ‘I’m feeling hot, hot, hot!’ as she danced around.
Just when I thought things couldn’t possibly get any more toe-curling, she shouted: ‘Mommy needs some milk!’ before pulling out a baby bottle from her purse and guzzling down the milk.
The humiliating farce ended with Meghan asking another female vendor if she would like to hear a joke.
‘Why did the elephant put his trunk in the cookie jar?’ she said, then stayed silent and refused to reveal the punchline before bursting out laughing and saying to the bemused vendor: ‘It’s funny, isn’t it?’
Well, no, it wasn’t.
None of this was remotely funny.
It was all just incredibly, soul-suckingly excruciating.
In the final scene, Meghan put on a pair of kitten ears and burst into song again, prancing around in her ears as she wailed: ‘I’m a kitten, mew mew mew.’
By this point I needed my sick bucket to go ew, ew, ew.
Honestly, it all made me genuinely want to puke.
This is a senior member of the British Royal Family whose husband Prince Harry is sixth in line to the throne, behaving like a gormless desperate reality TV starlet.
Royals don’t do this kind of thing for a very good reason.
The public expects them to behave in a regal manner, that is the mystique that preserves the Monarchy.
It may seem anachronistic to many Americans, but it works. The Royals bring in billions of pounds in tourism money to the UK and the Queen remains the world’s most revered head of state.
Just as Prince Andrew’s – far more serious – behavior in refusing is causing huge damage to that reputation, so Meghan and Harry’s constant self-publicizing, royal-bashing antics are, in a very different way, doing consistent damage too.
Take away the mystique and the very future of the Monarchy itself may be imperiled, especially given that Her Majesty, now 95, has been in recent worryingly poor health.
That’s why what Meghan Markle and Harry get up to carries significance and cannot be dismissed as inconsequential.
So long as they’re still the Duke and Duchess of Sussex, their behavior directly impacts on the reputation of the Royal Family.
And just as Prince Andrew’s – far more serious – behavior in refusing to be interviewed by the FBI about his relationship with pedophile Jeffrey Epstein is causing huge damage to that reputation, so Meghan and Harry’s constant self-publicizing, royal-bashing antics are, in a very different way, doing consistent damage too.
Last night’s Ellen debacle exposed Meghan Markle’s desire to be a jobbing C-list reality TV celebrity, not a jobbing A-list royal.
But even a Kardashian would have deemed that street vendor stunt beneath them and brand-damaging.
That’s how puerile and embarrassing it was.
For a British royal to demean herself in such a way is completely unacceptable.
Not just because it made Meghan Markle look ridiculous, but because it made the British Monarchy look ridiculous.
I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: the Queen must strip the Duke and Duchess of Sussex of their royal titles before their brazen, craven, money-grabbing campaign to fleece their duty-free royal status destroys everything she has worked so hard to maintain.
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