Will he EVER leave his wife for you? Tracey Cox reveals the eight reasons why YOUR married lover will NEVER walk – and the brutal reality of what happens when they do
- Tracey Cox provides eight reasons as to why he will never leave his wife for you
- She says happy people cheat and he may want nothing more than excitement
- Men feel an innate desire to feel needed and essential to their partner
If you’re a woman having an affair with a married man, prepare yourself – this isn’t going to be pretty.
Some sobering statistics to start with. While 88 per cent of lovers hope their married man or woman will leave their spouse for them, research shows only 13 per cent do.
Here’s another slap-in-the-face fact: only five to seven per cent of affair relationships lead to marriage. Of those, 75% end in divorce.
Still convinced all those lonely nights waiting around for someone else’s leftovers are worth it?
Here’s eight reasons why your married lover probably WON’T leave their wife…
Tracey Cox explains eight reasons as to a the man you are having an affair with won’t leave his wife for you (stock image)
The relationship isn’t as bad as he’s making out
‘My wife doesn’t understand me’, is the clichéd line lots of men trot out but the truth is, the wife usually does understand him.
He might complain that all they have in common is the kids and argue all the time, but the brutal reality is often that they’re rubbing along together just fine.
Happy people cheat. Often, his motivation is nothing other than wanting the excitement that an affair provides.
They’re not going to tell you that because it sounds selfish (because it is).
In one reputable study, fifty-six percent of men who’d had affairs said their marriages were happy (versus 34 per cent of women).
Men in long-term marriages who have affairs report very high marital satisfaction.
Women in long-term marriages having affairs report quite the opposite – they have the lowest satisfaction of all. (This is because women tend to have affairs when they are unhappy in their marriage.)
Everyone’s marital satisfaction went down the longer they were married… except the men who had affairs.
Why? Simple answer…
He has everything he wants
What a lovely place to be in: he gets the emotional security of marriage and the sexual excitement of an affair!
Tracey (pictured) reveals that one study found Men in long-term marriages who have affairs report very high marital satisfaction. Women in long-term marriages having affairs report quite the opposite – they have the lowest satisfaction of all
If his marriage is fine but sex is boring or he’s got a higher sex drive than his partner, seeking extra sex on the side seems like an obvious solution to the problem for some men.
He’s in no hurry to leave or ‘resolve the situation’ because he likes the situation. If he stops his current affair with you, he’ll quickly find someone else to take your place.
Cheaters often see nothing wrong with cheating
Most people feel guilt or remorse when they do the dirty on their partners – but not everyone does.
Some people see nothing wrong with seeking sex outside their marriage. This could be the result of cultural influence (certain countries raise men to believe that it’s ‘normal’ to have a mistress or two) or watching a parent have constant affairs and get away with it. Either way, the message is received loud and clear: cheating is nothing to be ashamed of.
A recent study of 500 adults followed them through two (heterosexual) relationships. Researchers asked participants to report their own infidelity and whether they knew or suspected their partner had been unfaithful.
Perhaps predictably, people who reported being unfaithful in the first relationship were three times more likely to report being unfaithful in the second (compared to people who didn’t cheat).
His wife DOES understand him
There’s a saying that a wife looks at her husband through magnifying glasses, while his mistress observes through rose-tinted frames.
Rather than his wife not understanding him, she usually understands him a little too well – reflecting the man he has become rather than the man he thought he was going to become.
It’s called the ‘hero instinct’: men feel an innate desire to feel needed and essential to their partner. It harks back to him protecting her from wild beasts.
One of the main attractions of having an affair is that we get to reinvent ourselves. If he’s reinvented himself so much that it barely resembles who he is in real life, he’ll be exposed if he leaves and lets you see the true him.
You’ll find out his job isn’t quite so high-flying, his house isn’t quite as posh, his holidays aren’t anywhere near as glam.
Divorce is expensive and will upset the kids
Divorce is traumatic, costly and painful: no-one does it unless they really must.
He’ll lose that big house and great lifestyle he currently enjoys. His family will be angry at him, his job might be affected and people will think less of him – especially if it comes out he’s leaving for another woman.
His image will be tarnished. If he’s a respected member of society and works in a job where people look up to him, leaving his wife for his ‘bit on the side’ doesn’t look good.
Most importantly, his children will be upset.
He might be a rubbish husband but that doesn’t mean he isn’t a great dad who cares deeply for his kid’s welfare.
The number one reason men don’t leave their wives for their lovers is because they don’t want to leave their kids.
Seeing your children every second weekend is not the same as seeing them every day.
Tracey says the number one reason men don’t leave their wives for their lovers is because they don’t want to leave their kids
His wife knows
Don’t be so sure his wife has no idea what’s going on.
Could be she strongly suspects or already knows of his affair with you but has chosen to ignore it.
Why would she? Marriage is a contract: you each get something from the deal.
She might be having her own emotional and sexual needs met elsewhere and staying because of the kids. She might enjoy the status and lifestyle that being with him affords and considers turning a blind eye to be a price worth paying.
She might not enjoy sex with him and be grateful he’s not hassling her anymore. She’s may also be convinced that, while he plays away, he will always return home to her.
Having most of someone you love is sometimes preferable to not having any of them.
If he’s aware that he’s in an ‘I can see what you’re doing but we’re not going to acknowledge it’ situation, there’s even less incentive to upset the apple cart and walk out.
Missed deadlines mean there will always be an excuse
Be wary of deadlines that continually move forward. I’ll leave when the baby is born. When the kids leave school. I can’t leave now, her Dad’s just died. She’s got to have an operation.
There will always be another excuse.
If it really was that awful, if he really did love you so much, he would find a way to separate as sensitively and kindly as possible.
By not leaving, he’s highlighting what should be painfully obvious by now: hurting her is more upsetting to him than hurting you.
Most affairs fizzle once found out
Sometimes, even if he had no intention of walking, the wife finds out and chucks him out. He’s on your doorstep whether you like it or not.
Result, right? Now you can live happily ever after.
For the person playing away, the appeal was often the affair itself, rather than who they were having it with. Doing something secretly.
The high octane rush you get from the forbidden. Restricted time together fans the flames of desire. Grabbing quick sex whenever you can – in a hotel room, an alley, a public loo – is erotic. An affair is sex without any responsibilities.
When it’s discovered and you can live together without having to sneak behind everyone’s back, the dynamic changes drastically. It then becomes a relationship – like the one he just left. Sex is suddenly subject to all the factors that make desire fall over time.
Worse, there’s often a high level of mistrust. You both know each other is capable of lying and cheating because you’ve had first-hand experience.
Couples that do survive are usually the rare few who had an affair for no other reason but love. They finally found their special person but were unfortunately married or involved at the time.
Are you absolutely convinced that’s you?
- You’ll find Tracey’s two product ranges, supersex and Edge (both sold through lovehoney), her blogs, podcast and more information about sex and relationships at traceycox.com.
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