Bans on joggers, Liz Hurley’s jugs and trans-women in women’s sport: 20-1 shot for Prime Minister, PIERS MORGAN reveals his radical manifesto
It began as a joke.
After a series of fiery ministerial grillings on Good Morning Britain, someone on Twitter suggested I’d make a good Prime Minister, and I responded by saying the slogan ‘PM for PM’ had a good ring to it.
The following morning, the entire front page of the Daily Star newspaper was emblazoned with that slogan, prompting bookies to slash odds on me becoming leader of this country from 500-1 to 20-1.
PIERS MORGAN with Good Morning Britain co-host Susanna Reid outside 10 Downing Street
What started as a bit of fun has now become a serious bandwagon, with more and more people clamouring for me to take over the reins at No10 and restore some kind of order to our embattled nation.
And the campaign has got me thinking: if I ever did throw my hat into the political ring, and made it to the highest office in the land, what would I do?
Let’s be frank: Britain’s in turmoil and it needs fixing.
So, here is Morgan’s Manifesto – 20 ways I would repair the damage Boris Johnson and his band of miserably mediocre men and women have wrought in the past year culminating in the UK passing 100,000 coronavirus deaths yesterday, the worst toll in Europe.
1. Day one, I’d fire two thirds of the current abysmal cabinet so fast they wouldn’t even have time to leak to Robert Peston that they’d resigned. Then I’d get in replacements that I would trust to do the basics, like run a bath. Does anyone seriously doubt that Marcus Rashford, my choice for Education Secretary, would do a better job than Gavin ‘Ooh, Betty’ Williamson? Or that Dame Joan Collins would fly the flag for us abroad in a more positive way as Foreign Secretary than Dominic ‘Is taking the knee from Game of Thrones?’ Raab. Or that GMB’s calm and supremely assured informed Dr Hilary Jones could oversee the nation’s health more effectively than Matt ‘I’ve got everything under control’ Hancock?
Does anyone seriously doubt that Marcus Rashford (pictured at FareShare in Manchester), my choice for Education Secretary, would do a better job than Gavin ‘Ooh, Betty’ Williamson?
2. I would abandon cabinet collective responsibility and encourage every minister to express their own views about everything in public just as they do at the cabinet table. Then the British people will know exactly who to blame and who to praise when policies go wrong or work. No more ‘Doing a Priti’ where the Home Secretary keeps schtum about wanting to close our island border at the start of a pandemic then casually pipe up nine months later, after 100,000 people have died: ‘Oh yeah, I didn’t agree with keeping it open…’
3. Every time one of my ministers fails to give a straight honest answer to a straight question during a media interview, then he or she would be sent for week-long public accountability training in a giant fridge – conducted by Andrew Neil and The Governess from The Chase.
4. I would regulate Twitter to make UK users put their real name, real photo, and real place of work, in their profile. That would instantly stop 99% of all the vile anonymous trolling that increasingly pollutes the platform. All users would also be required to follow ten accounts of people who share the complete opposite political opinions, in a policy named ‘OPERATION DESTROY THE ECHO CHAMBER.’
5. I’d publicly urge the Queen to strip Meghan and Harry of their royal titles. Let’s see how many millions they command when they don’t sell themselves out to commercial partners as the Duke and Duchess of Sussex. Oh, and I’d hand Prince Andrew over to the FBI to finally talk under oath about what he really knows about his paedophile mate Jeffrey Epstein and the late billionaire’s alleged madame, Ghislaine Maxwell.
I’d publicly urge the Queen to strip Meghan and Harry (pictured at Canada House in London in January last year) of their royal titles
6. I’d ban vegan and vegetarian food companies, as in France, from using and abusing meat language to cynically manipulate sales. No more vegan sausage rolls or veggie steaks. See how Greggs gets on trying to flog ‘kale gruel’ to the gullible culinary lemmings.
7. I’d ban trans women born to male biological bodies from competing in women’s sport against women born to female biological bodies. They could either compete against men, as most have done before, or take part in their own new trans women competitions. Otherwise, women’s sport will be destroyed. This is not ‘transphobic’ – I fully support transgender rights to equality – it’s just common sense that prevents a new inequality.
8. To tackle the UK’s shocking obesity crisis, I’d order two hours of mandatory sport every single day for schoolchildren – and ban shops from selling giant chocolate bars by check-out tills. No wonder we’re so bloody fat if every time we go to buy a paper, we get bedazzled by a plus-sized slab of Toblerone.
9. I would scrap VAR – Video Assistant Referee – from football, and never again let this obscene time, energy, and excitement-sapping abomination ever contaminate our national game. I much preferred it when we could shout at a human referee in real time for dropping a clanger, rather than wait five minutes for a machine to tell us a great goal doesn’t count because a striker’s right nipple was too erect.
10. I’d announce a two-pronged climate change strategy: 1) Dramatically overheat UK for one week to melt all ultra-woke snowflakes, then 2) Appoint Greta Thunberg as my environment secretary and act on everything she damn well tells us to do – because she’s right, about all of it. And if this pandemic has taught us anything, it’s surely that we should prepare properly to avert global planet-ravaging catastrophe before it’s too late.
I’d appoint Greta Thunberg (pictured in Bristol last February) as my environment secretary and act on everything she damn well tells us to do – because she’s right, about all of it
11. In my first budget, I would double the pay of every single person currently working in the NHS – from the cleaners, porters and mortuary assistants to the nurses, doctors, surgeons and consultants – and pay for it by slapping a new super-tax on all big tech firms like Amazon and Facebook who’ve spectacularly cleaned up during the pandemic and yet still pay derisory tax on their massive profits in the UK.
12. I’d ban joggers from all high streets in Britain with immediate effect. In a pandemic, they can’t be trusted not to wheeze their deadly spittle all over us. And in normal non-pandemic times, they’re just very annoying chest-beating show-offs.
I’d ban joggers from all high streets in Britain (Newcastle, pictured last November) with immediate effect
13. I’d abolish participation prizes at schools. They’re the enemy of competitive spirit and an absurd reward for failure. You win, you get a prize. You lose, you get told to work or train harder next time. I’d appoint Ant Middleton and Bear Grylls as my joint sports ministers tasked with instilling a winning mentality into our kids.
14. I’d invest in prison libraries and encourage all inmates to read at least one inspiring biography a week by people who turned their lives around to be big successes. How do we expect offenders to ever rehabilitate if they never get the chance to learn about ways to fix a broken life?
15. I’d deport Hugh Grant to anywhere that would have the whiny, pompous, irritating, sanctimonious little bore – and put his ex-girlfriend Liz ‘look at my whammers!’ Hurley under a curfew requiring her to wear clothes in public places during the hours of daylight, for the sake of what’s left of her dignity.
i’d put Liz ‘look at my whammers!’ Hurley (pictured in the snow earlier this week) under a curfew requiring her to wear clothes in public places during the hours of daylight
16. I’d ban anyone over 50 from using Tik-Tok. This is in their interests and more importantly, ours.
17. I’d mandate vaccine passports for air travel and all UK social mixing, meaning anti-vaxxers would be banned from flying and going to pubs, restaurants, shops, gyms etc. Instead, they would be restricted to living with each other in private maximum-security covid-infiltrated communes where they would be subjected to lengthy speeches about the glory of ‘freedom’ from Laurence Fox, Katie Hopkins, Piers Corbyn and Peter Hitchens.
18. I’d allow Scotland to go independent for two years, living entirely off their own means with no support from London. Trust me, the Scots would come racing back to the United Kingdom faster than Jeremy Clarkson driving a Lamborghini to his local McDonalds.
19. I’d make free teeth-whitening compulsory for all adult Britons. Our grotesque yellow stained fangs are an ongoing stain, quite literally, on this great nation.
20. Finally, and if this doesn’t get me elected then nothing will, I’d announce a 4-day national holiday to take place the moment the last person in Britain who needs a covid vaccination gets one. Everyone would be given £100 and a direct instruction from their new Prime Minister to go absolutely bonkers. Apart from anti-vaxxers and covid-deniers, obviously. They get nothing but our derision and another speech from the other Piers – Corbyn.
Source: Read Full Article