DEAR DEIDRE: SEX with my wife is simply incredible – in bed, in the car, on the kitchen table.
For years I have counted myself very lucky because she is completely uninhibited.
But lately I’ve noticed she is only interested in making love when she has had a few to drink. And now I have found out the dark and disturbing reason why.
We have been married for eight years.
I’m 40 and my wife is 38.
I still enjoy sex when she is up for it, but it has started to trouble me that she isn’t interested unless under the influence.
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I don’t want our sex life to be dependent on alcohol.
I’ve asked her if she finds me unattractive or if there is a problem I’m not aware of but she insists she still thinks I’m gorgeous.
When tipsy, she seems totally comfortable with herself physically and confident with her body, which is such an incredible turn on.
We’re adventurous and have tried out sex toys, indulged in mild BDSM and she loves blindfolding me, but only when drunk. Sober? forget it.
If I buy her lingerie, cook her nice meals or run her a bath, the excuses begin if she hasn’t had a drink.
She’s too tired, too stressed or has a headache. But I knew there was more to it.
She has finally confessed that she thinks she was abused by an uncle between the ages of six and 11.
I was horrified, and she had never told anybody about this.
I love her and don’t know how to help her. I’m running out of ideas.
What should I do? I understand that married couples’ sex lives slow down but this is more than that.
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DEIDRE SAYS: I am sure that you understand why it is difficult for her to talk about the abuse but there are organisations who can help.
My support pack Abused As A Child will show her where to find that support.
Drinking may be the only way she can disassociate sex from the abuse she experienced.
She may not be persuaded to report him but if her uncle still has contact with children, she might think about reporting him.
Tell her how much you love her.
Try to reassure her that by getting support for her abuse, she will be able to move forward with her life.
Talking to a sex and relationship therapist would help her.
Contact cosrt.org.uk, who can help you find a reputable therapist.
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