DEAR DEIDRE: MY fiancée snogged three female friends at a hen party. I can’t get over it.
I’m 27, she’s 26, and we have been together for two years. Our relationship has always been good and we very rarely argue.
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A couple of weeks ago, she went out for the night to a club for her friend’s hen night.
I saw the photos and there was one of her best mates and the bride kissing with tongues. When I commented on it, she laughed and said: “Everyone was so drunk — we were all snogging each other.”
I was shocked and felt sick.
I mumbled something like: “I want to be the only person you kiss.” She just smiled and hugged me.
The incident hasn’t been mentioned again. But I can’t stop thinking about it. It feels like she’s cheated on me with her mates.
I’ve never had an issue trusting her before and she’s told me she hasn’t even looked at another man since we met. I believe her.
I’m usually fairly laid back and not the jealous type. So I’m not sure why this bothers me so much.
Maybe because — to me, at least — snogging is sexual. Kissing is a very intimate act.
Even if she doesn’t fancy her friends or want sex with them, this must have been a bit arousing for her.
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If she’d met a guy in a club and snogged him, that would be cheating. This feels no different to me.
In the past, I have been cheated on by women. I know I should talk to my fiancée about it but I’m sure she’ll think I’m overreacting.
DEIDRE SAYS: Being cheated on in the past might have affected you more than you realise.
Sometimes we bury our feelings and think we have moved on, only for those emotions to resurface unexpectedly in the future, when there is a trigger.
That is why finding out your girlfriend snogged her mates on this night out hurts, even if you know rationally it didn’t mean anything to her.
My support packs on Cheating and Jealousy should help you to think through the issues involved.
You need to talk to your fiancée about this so you can get past it together. Explain how this made you feel and why.
Then discuss your boundaries so you both know what each other finds acceptable for the future.
She loves you, so I am sure learning how you feel about this will help her be more aware and more considerate in the future.
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