Dear Coleen
I married a great guy 18 months ago after coming out of a toxic on/off relationship that lasted years.
My husband is everything I ever wanted in a man – caring, funny, kind and handsome, but for some reason I blew it.
A year into our marriage my ex got back in touch and I agreed to meet him for a drink.
Looking back, I’m not sure why I did it – maybe I was looking for some closure or an apology for the way he treated me during our time we spent together.
We ended up in bed and started an affair, meeting at his place for sex.
I started to think I’d made a mistake getting married, so I admitted the affair to my husband and left him to go back to my ex.
It wasn’t long before our relationship fell into the same old pattern and I realised I’d made the biggest mistake of my life.
I begged my husband for another chance and, unbelievably, he took me back.
My problem is, even though I know I made the right decision and my husband is the best of men and I love him, I still think about my ex.
I’m so confused and angry with myself for having these feelings.
Can you help?
Coleen says
It seems as if you’re addicted to the drama of this relationship with your ex.
However, you must keep reminding yourself that you did give it another go and realised very quickly that it was wrong, and that he would never change to be the man you wanted.
You’ve got the man you’ve always wanted, but you’re in danger of blowing it if you carry on romanticising what you had with your ex – and I don’t think your hubby would be willing to take you back a second time.
Focus on what you’ve got now and remind yourself of all the qualities that attracted you to your husband.
Think really carefully about what you’ve got to lose.
You say you love your husband, so what is it that’s missing in the relationship? If it’s a bit of excitement, then that’s something you can work on.
But you have to give it a proper chance and that means keeping your ex out of your life.
Make it clear that you don’t want him to contact you, don’t reply to him if he texts or emails, and delete him from your contacts. Give yourself the opportunity to make a fresh start.
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