Emcee hammered: The Oscars go on without a host

There is no host for the Oscars this year.  Oh my gosh, what does that mean?  No host? That sounds like absolute chaos. That would be like a horseless carriage! Or an elevator without an operator. 

What’s next, a car without a chauffeur? That would be certain death. Someone is probably gonna die tonight, you people! Heck, I’ll watch that. Talk about a National Emergency!

No host!?! That means there will be nobody to start the show.  The show will have no beginning and following that logic, no end! This year the Oscars may never end!  

Without a host there will be no one to jokingly say near the end of the telecast, “We’re halfway through, folks! He he he!” 

No opening monologue, which people will criticize online for being way too irreverent, or way too bland, or “the worst ever.”  The Oscars will just be good-looking people giving good-looking people awards for pretending to be other good-looking people. 

Thankfully, even without an Oscar host, there will still be the red carpet before the show, where people in thousand-dollar dresses will tell us to live more responsible lives. Most importantly, we can find out who is wearing who, and learn what people think about “the Oscars not having a host.” 

There is no host for the Oscars this year. Maybe it means nothing, but I think it’s a trend. No host for the Oscars, no comedian at the White House Correspondence dinner, no cashier at those automatic checkout lanes at the grocery store – it’s obvious the robots are taking over. These are troubled times. 

… There should be a movie about that. I’d vote for that…

See also: 

  • CBSNews.com Complete Coverage: The Academy Awards

More commentaries from Jim Gaffigan:

  • On the prevalence of screens
  • Do we have to do Christmas in December?
  • On what to do about America’s overweight statistics
  • On losing his appendix
  • Jim Gaffigan makes the case for beer that tastes like beer
  • On the need for a good nap
  • Jim Gaffigan on that other Jim Gaffigan
  • On why he doesn’t care about the Triple Crown
  • On that topic Jim Gaffigan can’t talk about
  • Skiing is insane
  • Why do Americans all have storage units? 
  • Jim Gaffigan turns a cold shoulder to massage

For more info: 

  • jimgaffigan.com
  • Follow @JimGaffigan on Twitter

Story produced by Amy Wall.

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