Ask Brian: I read my boyfriend's Whatsapp messages and I'm worried he's gay

I have been dating this guy from college for three full months now.

I went through his WhatsApp and I saw his chats with his three best friends, on the chats they’re gay-talking and sometimes would tease each other about gay stuff like one would say things like “Come let me kiss you” and one would laugh about it. They sign loads of their messages to each other with ‘x’.

I asked him about it and he said to me they’re not gay, they’re straight, it’s just that they like to tease one another about gay stuff and they’ve been doing that since they were young. He said I should trust him.

One day I told him that this gay talk thing he has with his friends is making me uncomfortable and his response was “I’m not gay, I’m straight, this is the way I talk with my friends you need to understand that.”

He told one of his friends that I think they’re gay and his friend said they should organise a get together where we all hang out, my boyfriend with his friends and their girlfriends.

He said that way I can get know them and know what kind of people they are when they’re together.

Our relationship is still new and I don’t know much about him and his friends.

Please advise me what must I do because now I’m really confused and I really love this guy. To be honest, I don’t see any gay signs but this gay talk thing with his friends is really making me uncomfortable.

Brian replies:

Does anything good ever come from snooping on you other half’s messages? Were you hoping to find that in his Whatsapp group he was making declarations of his undying love for you to his friends?

If you reach a point in your relationship where you feel you need to spy on your partner it’s probably best to call things quits. Trust is a very black and white concept, you either do or you don’t.

You shouldn’t have read his messages in the first place – everyone is entitled to their privacy, even in relationships.

I get a lot of emails from women convinced their boyfriend is gay (thank you Google) – many of them with legitimate cause for concern. You don’t.

Using gay terms in his messages does not mean he’s gay. Juvenile with the mindset of a 14-year-old, sure – but not gay.

You don’t get to decide on censor the way he speaks to his friends. I’m quite shocked that not only have you violated his privacy by reading his messages, but you now also feel you can critique how he speaks. Do you want him to send all communications to you first so you can check his language?

Your boyfriend’s suggestion is actually a really good idea – perhaps you feel uncomfortable with how they speak because you don’t understand the dynamic of the group.

It’s a really good sign that he wants you to get to know his friends and bring you into his social circle.

You really have nothing to worry about. Getting to know his friends will definitely put your mind at ease.



Do you have a problem you’d like some advice on? Email [email protected]  to submit in confidence.

Twitter: @Brian_O_Reilly

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