IT'S A fact of life that you'll either break-up with someone, or be broken up with – and both states suck.
But one expert insists there's always a way to win your ex back, and his romance tips have already made him thousands.
Married dad-of-two Coach Lee, from Nashville, first began counselling married couples in 2000, but soon realised there was a gap in market for people desperate to get back with an ex.
Now he works with around 4,000 people a year, but his advice doesn't come cheap. Half-an-hour of tips will set lovelorn singletons back £67, or they can stump up £36 for an 'emergency break-up kit' (a video and guiding to texting an ex).
"I've been doing this for almost 20 years, with those of all ages, and a lot of the time people were actually in good relationships but just had issues that needed working through," he explains to Fabulous Digital.
"Most people are only party to a handful of break-ups, so some of my advice seems to me quite obvious – but when someone is in the middle of heartbreak it can be difficult to think rationally and logically."
Think there's still unfinished business between you and an ex? Read on to find out Lee's steps for getting them back…
Don't be desperate
Lee, 39, went through a couple of painful breakups in his late teens, which is why he knows his advice works. He bases his tips on personal experience – and playing it cool is one of the big ones.
"Most people who have just been broke up with are panicking," says Lee.
"It's natural – there’s a sense of urgency because you feel like you’re losing this person.
"They want to reach out to their ex and try to talk them into coming back. But 90 per cent of the time that's the worst thing you can possibly do."
Letting the person who broke up with you experience the break-up is the best way to go.
"They want to get away from you, so let them have it," he advises.
Refuse to be friends
You want your ex to miss you? Then you can't see them for a while.
"The first stage after someone breaks up with you is relief," reveals Lee, who once called himself the Ex Coach and at times has taken 14 calls a day from love-sick singles.
"They’re glad they got the break-up over with. They dreaded it because they don’t want to hurt you, but they just felt like they needed to move on with their life."
If you don't leave them alone, you became a nuisance and push them further away from wanting a reconciliation – and you're actually enabling them to move on.
And never agree to be friends or "stay in touch" – they need to feel they're losing you, and won't if you're in contact.
If you give someone space after they break up with you – it takes on average just 45 days for them to get back in touch.
"They need to miss you, in order to doubt their decision – and for that you need to literally be absent," he notes.
"When they don’t hear from you, they start getting curious. Why aren't they chasing me? Have they got over the break-up that easily?
"Then they start to become concerned they're not hearing from you – the tables are now starting to turn in terms of the power balance.
"Next, they start to question if they made the right decision, and doubt the break-up.
"They then remember some of the times you were together, a song reminds them of you, or their phone vibrates and it’s not you.
"This is when they consider reaching out and trying to get you back."
The average time-span for this happening? Just 45 days, according to Lee.
Make them work for you
Now is when things get interesting.
"The key thing is, when they eventually reach out to you, don’t rejoice too much," explains Lee.
"The dumper will see that they were able to get you back really easily, and then reconsider whether there was so much of a need to miss you.
"You want then to feel like they’re still having to earn you back a little bit – don't just let them get you back at the first text."
What to say when your ex suddenly texts you, according to Coach Lee…
Your ex says: "Want to go for a drink?"
You should say: "Hey – I'm quite busy this week. Let me check my schedule and get back to you."
Wait a couple of days.
You should then say: "I can get together these [give them options] dates."
Work out the details.
The last thing you should say: "Ok, see you there."
This will make you seem like the prize.
"In a good relationship both people are the pursuer and both people the prize," he adds.
"But in a break-up things go very one-sided – you become the pursuer and they the prize. It needs to be re-balanced."
Never be too keen
When they reach out to you, they need to be unsure of how you feel about them.
"There’s got to be an element of mystery," explains Lee.
"Maybe that they wish you’d show a little more interest, but you’re showing some. That way you become the prize."
This extends to when you meet face-to-face and they suggest getting back together.
"Don't say, 'Sure – that’s what I want too,’ and say instead, ‘I’m open to that but I’d like to take it one day at a time’," he advises.
"That way you’re keeping them working."
And Lee insists this isn't playing games. "It’s a mature response not a game – this person wanted you out of their life, so you need stability and to protect yourself," he explains.
"But it’s also the most attractive thing you can do in that situation."
Don’t try to make them jealous
"People say to me, ‘I think I’m going to post a picture on Facebook of me and another guy.' Don’t do that – I’ve seen it blow up in people’s faces," warns Lee.
"The ex will think, 'I don’t want to compete, it’s embarrassing,' or maybe that you didn’t care that much if you can just jump into another relationship like that."
There's always the type that will get jealous, but it would take a bold person to jump through hoops if they think you're involved with someone else or they might see through what you're doing.
"I tell people that rather than post a picture of you and another guy, why don’t you post a picture of you and a group of people out having fun," Lee says.
People say to me ‘I think I’m going to post a picture on Facebook of me and another guy’. And I’ll say 'don’t do that' – I’ve seen it blow up in people’s faces.
"Your ex will think, 'Are they dating somebody? Is it one of those people?'
"Mystery is so much more powerful in this case, because they'll be drawn to thinking about you."
It pays to play nice
It won't work in your favour to be cold towards your ex either.
"What you want to project is that you are living a wonderful life, you’re happy, you’re optimistic about your future, and things are going well," suggests Lee.
"Kill them with kindness so to speak. If you’re cold, it's not very attractive – they'll feel like they've rattled you.
"But if you're polite and friendly to them – and not chasing them – you'll look like a really attractive prize for them to pursue."
Step away from Instagram
Any sort of interaction is going to suggest you’re still interested or pursuing them in some way and it’s going to take away from the mystery, says Lee.
And that includes cutting contact on social media.
"We want them to have this cold turkey absence where you are gone and so they can hurt," he explains.
"Don’t like a post on social media, don’t comment, and don’t view anything if there’s a way they can know.
"It’s still a form of contact, and they will feel like they can have you back in a second if they wanted to.
"You want them to wonder where in the world are you."
Text them
Ideally, the person who triggered the break-up would be the first person to reach out, but 25 per cent of the time that person will be too nervous of rejection to do it.
"That’s why I tell people that if it’s been two-and-a-half months (for a relationship that lasted longer than two months – anything shorter and your connection won't be so deep so they might not miss you as much) and it wasn’t because of some massive fight or something else, then you can try reaching out yourself," says Lee.
Coach Lee's ice-breakers…
Option one – suggested text message:
"Hey – I just want to let you know that [insert favourite band] are going to be in concert in [insert place where you both live] on [insert date]. I know how much you like them. Hope you’re doing well."
Option two – suggested text message:
"A couple of nights ago some friends took me out to [insert place special to you both]. It made me think of you and smile. I hope you’re doing well."
"When writing the message, it’s good to find something that’s connected to you both – like a band.
"By mentioning friends, it shows that you're a person people want to be around and also creates mystery. Does one of them like you romantically?
"Saying that you smiled when you thought of them, rather than cried, indicates that you look back on the relationship as a positive.
"Finally, making a statement, not asking a question, shows you’re not pursuing them."
Be bold
If you broke up with someone and realise you made a mistake – all is not lost, according to Lee.
"If, as the person who instigated the break-up, you feel like you want to get back with your ex, just send them a text and say ‘Hey – when are you free for coffee, I want to talk to you about something?" he explains.
"When you get together face-to-face say, ‘I’m sorry – I was wrong. I miss you and I love you. If you forgive me and take me back I’ll just be so happy. I think we’d be great together’.
"Be that bold and that direct and see what they say."
Lay your cards out
You also need to be clear with what you want to get back someone you dumped.
"If you are being too casual with your approach, your ex will wonder if you're messing with then, 'Do they want to get back together or just be friends?'" Lee explains.
"It’s kind of frustrating and a lot of people respond negatively to it.
"The best thing is to try to get the person face to face. Text them saying, ‘Hey – hope you’re doing well. When are you free for coffee? I wanted to chat with you.'"
Interacting them on social media is still a form of contact – you need to go cold turkey in order for them to feel your absence.
If they're open to meeting up, you then need to be really confident with what you want from the situation.
"You don't want the person to fear they'll be broken up with again," he says.
Say sorry
If you've cheated, and want your ex back, you need to begin with a clear-cut apology and request forgiveness.
"Say to them, ‘I was wrong and I’m so sorry. If you forgive me and take me back I’ll work the rest of my life to make sure you don’t feel the same pain again.'
"Once you’ve said that, you need to back off and let them decide.
"The cheater needs to reach out, not the other way round, otherwise that’s not a healthy relationship."
And if you get back together? You need to mutually tackle why you broke up in the first place and to ensure there’s a future.
In other relationship news, we told you how a bride mocked her cousin's bodycon dress in wedding pictures and offered to pay someone to edit them.
We also revealed how a boyfriend was left horrified after learning his partner had lied about being pregnant.
And Firebox's four-foot willy pillow "promises to keep you warm on long lonely nights".
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