Oscars Open Post: Hosted By Pippi "Pip" Close

As I’m typing this, I am hoping that a certain gorgeous blond bombshell is luxuriating in a Hollywood hotel penthouse on a velvet settee and throwing barf eyes at his stylist as he’s presented with the one-of-a-kind tuxedo options that have been FedEx’d overnight to him from Milan while a manicurist works on his nail situation, a team of hair stylists try to achieve the impossible (aka making his immaculate coif even more flawless), and a groomer wearing warmed cashmere gloves expresses his anal glands. That last one might make you think I’m talking about Ryan Seacrest, but I am talking about the stunning Pippi “Pip” Close who stole yesterday’s Independent Spirit Awards without even trying.

Pip Close’s human Glenn Close won Best Female Lead at the Independent Spirit Awards for The Wife (click here to see the rest of the winners), and nobody really paid attention to her or her wrinkled space blanket business woman suit, because they were too busy buying into the adorable attention whore antics of Pip! While wearing a luxurious fur made by the Haus of Mother Nature, Pip worked the carpet, and at one point, Glenn Close gave in to her pooch’s spotlight-stealing-ways when that dog got on the floor and opened those legs like me whenever any trick on Grindr messages me.

As Glenn’s date, Pip also went inside with her, and when she won, he sashayed up onto the stage and continued to make people think, “Ugh, will Glenn get off the stage already so I can focus all my attention on the true star that is PIP?!

Tonight’s Oscars are probably going to be a piping hot train wreck stuffed into a shit sandwich and covered with a sauce made from the insides of a Port-A-Potty at a chili festival, and while that’s a selling point to me, it isn’t a selling point to many. But I have a feeling that those who weren’t going to watch are now going to watch to see what Pip Close is wearing and what will he do to get all eyes on him again (not that he has to do anything). And even if he drops a turd on the carpet, it’d be a major upgrade from the usual steaming nuggets of shit that are dropped on the carpet (see: the questions that Ryan Seacrest and Giuliana Rancic ask).

Pics: Wenn.com

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