Over a year after Jordan Feldstein’s passing, Beanie Feldstein penned an essay about the sudden loss of her older brother.
“Grief is just impossible,” the actress wrote for InStyle magazine. “It cannot be contained or summarized or enclosed. To describe the wound grief leaves if you have not experienced it is to come to it hazy and out of focus. But then there are those of us that unfortunately see grief in sharp, unrelenting focus.”
Jordan, also the brother of actor Jonah Hill, was 40 when he died in December 2017 due to a pulmonary thromboembolism as well as deep leg vein thrombosis.
“He was a remarkably generous, intelligent, loving person. He was an incredible father, beloved by his boys. He was a deeply devoted son. He was a brilliant creative mind. And he was my biggest brother. He gave me so many things, including my name,” she wrote. “In this past year, I have learned an immeasurable amount about the bandwidth of my own heart. The pain is so unbearable at times, so unremitting. Yet, in addition to the deluge of feelings leaking out of me at all times, I have found the process of grief (because it is and will always be a process, never finished, never concluded) to be just as resonant in my mind as it is in my heart.”
The 25-year-old actress went on to compare her experience with loss to having a pair of glasses she couldn’t remove.
“Sometimes I can push the glasses to the end of my nose so I can peer over them to see the world the way I used to see. But I can only see over or around to my old perspective. I can never see it totally as it was ever again,” she explained. “That is the aspect of grief I had no idea was coming. This monumental shift in perspective.”
She continued, “And when you find others that have experienced this shift, others that wear the same prescription, there is an instant bond. There is this profound feeling of connection, not only because you both have experienced that pain, but because you also see the rest of life differently than everyone else.”
At the end of the essay, the “Lady Bird” star reminded people who wear those same glasses that they are not alone.
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