Triple Robbery
Last year, while sitting through the wildly-underrated Widows, I couldn’t stop wondering if I was pulling my own heist, would I rather have Liam Neeson’s very particular set of skills or Michelle Rodriguez behind the wheel. And there really was only one way to settle this hypothetical — by ranking the cast by how useful they’d be in an actual robbery. And I had the same exact thought upon my viewing of the ultimate macho bro Netflix movie Triple Frontier. So crack open our rankings and see which star is the ideal thief.
6. Garrett Hedlund (Ben Miller)
Credentials: Honestly, not much. I can make a lot of things seem useful in a heist, but experiences from Pan and Inside Llewyn Davis aren’t doing much for the crew. I mean, I guess if we need someone to sing as a distraction.
Verdict: He dies too often for my liking (Troy, Four Brothers, a movie literally called Death Sentence). We don’t want that kind of heat.
5. Adria Arjona (Yovanna)
Credentials: She’s been the love interest of a True Detective (season 2, but still!) and a superhero vampire in the upcoming Morbius, so they probably brought some work home with them. And she was also Dorothy in NBC’s Wizard of Oz series Emerald City, which should count for something (I’m just not sure what).
Verdict: She’s a little green, but in a few years, I expect this on-the-rise actress to be a steal.
4. Oscar Isaac (Santiago Garcia)
Credentials: If dance moves can be deadly, then the Ex Machina star has that going for him. And should the need for someone to cry on demand, he can serve that role after his time with This Is Us creator Dan Fogelman on Life Itself. He does have experience in enemy territory with Star Wars and Annihilation, but he also always gets caught in those situations.
Verdict: His place on the team is dependent on how good a wheelman he became after starring alongside Ryan Gosling in Drive.
3. Pedro Pascal (Francisco Morales)
Credentials: Bringing down Pablo Escobar is an impressive notch on your belt.
Verdict: He might not look it, but we’ve found our muscle, as he’s taken on/will take on The Mountain (Game of Thrones), Denzel Washington (The Equalizer 2), Wonder Woman (Wonder Woman 1984), alien monsters (The Great Wall), and Star Wars creatures (The Mandalorian).
2. Charlie Hunnam (William Miller)
Credentials: After 7 seasons on Sons of Anarchy, the man has learned how to commit his fair share of crimes! Now, they were never subtle, so we will need to teach him that aspect of it. But, he’s also great with directions (Lost City of Z) and he literally escaped prison (Papillion). And, most importantly, he said no to Fifty Shades of Grey, which appeared to be a slam dunk, and in the crime game, you have to be strong enough to call off a job if it doesn’t feel right.
Verdict: I didn’t even mention that the King Arthur star is a legendary swordsman! This guy is almost a one-man crew by himself!
1. Ben Affleck (Tom Davis)
Credentials: Where do we even begin? Being the mastermind behind The Town alone is one of the best résumés on this list. Then, throw in that Affleck is the king of extraction after Argo, and that he’s a survivor. Like, who else could have made it out alive of Pearl Harbor, Gone Girl, Armageddon, and Gigli? (His life wasn’t at risk in that last one, I just can’t believe his career survived it.)
Verdict: He was f—ing Batman.
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